Eldercare After 50
- fhoth3
- Jun 1, 2021
- 5 min read
Many in their 50s to early 60’s find themselves sandwiched between high school / college-age kids and elderly parents, and in a balancing act caring for both generations. Eldercare runs the gamut from just being there for fully independent parents to being full-time caregivers for infirm elders.
Both of my parents passed several years ago after time in an assisted living facility then a nursing home for my mom. The process of setting up care for them started long before they moved into that assisted living facility though, and it was a long, slow series of tough conversations, physical setbacks for them, and full-on battles with a stubborn father. Over that time I learned a lot about available in-home services, alternate care options, legal issues, and financial mechanisms to ensure their assets were protected. I also joined an eldercare support group that helped me mentally and emotionally. The group shared knowledge and experiences, and just knowing there were others in the same situation made it easier for me. One thing the counselor and group stressed – and I can’t stress enough – is to take care of yourself first. You’re no good to anyone else if you’re a wreck.
The best advice I received was to start having those tough conversations early. This enables you to create a plan with your parents while all options are available. If your parents are like my dad, those will not be easy conversations, but by having them early, your parents remain in control of their later years. First up is to ensure that health directives (living wills) are in place and secure Power of Attorney (there are several variants; we created a Durable Power of Attorney so my parents could keep control until it was time to turn that over to me). The health directive will allow your parents to state what end of life care they want, taking the burden of those tough and emotional decisions off family.
I recommend working with an eldercare attorney for the above. Elder law is very specific so having an expert on board will ensure everything is in order. It is well worth the cost and if there are significant assets, include a financial planner. Working with these professionals will save money in the long run while ensuring your parents have the funds needed to provide for them through end of life.
Next up is to determine how fit your parents are to remain in their current living environment. My former employer offered in-home evaluations as part of our benefits package, and also provided referral services to in-home services as well as for over-55 communities (which frequently have facilities for independent living through nursing home care) assisted living facilities and nursing homes. In our case, we started with an in-home aide a few days a week to run errands, do laundry, make some meals, check medications and provide companionship. It was a tough sell at first as my dad saw it as admitting he was no longer in control. That will likely be the biggest objection you hear in all of these conversations as the tables have now turned and you are taking the role of parent. Such a role swap can be a big ego blow which is why starting the conversations early while your parents can be in control of the decisions is so important.
From in-home help, my parents progressed to assisted living after my mom broke her hip and could no longer handle the stairs in their home. Thankfully we had visited a local facility early on and had them on a waiting list already so we were able to transition them quickly. They had several years there before my mom made the final transition to a nursing home. While the staffs at both facilities were wonderful, it is important that residents have an active advocate to look out for them, particularly if dementia is involved. Both facilities were local to us so I was able to be that advocate to ensure they got the care they needed. Nothing against the staff or the facilities, it’s just that the squeaky wheel gets the grease.
The other big reason to start the conversations early and have Power of Attorney in place is that if your parents become mentally infirm before plans are in place, laws may require getting legal guardianship in order to make and execute decisions for their care. Power of Attorney negates this legal step, but it must be in place while they are mentally sound. Again, making the plans early while your parents are in control, is the key to ensuring the transitions they make in later life are what they want. Taking that approach will make it easier for them to accept by easing fear that you are trying to take over. You’ll likely meet resistance along the way, so be ready for it and focus on helping them stay in control. You are the facilitator here, not the boss.
This is a topic that we all will face eventually, and we need to be prepared to be on the other side of the conversation at some point too. For three years before I retired I co-chaired lunch-and-learn sessions on eldercare at my employer. We brought in United Way and the local county Office on Aging to present resources available through their organizations and held group discussions so participants could ask questions specific to their situations and share their experiences with the others. Response and participation at these sessions was eye-opening, and the feedback we got confirmed that just by bringing people together, their burden of being a caregiver was made lighter.
There are so many things to consider and so many options for living arrangements and caregiving that I can’t cover all of them here. Below are links to organizations providing eldercare resources so you can get an idea of what is available. Most are specific to my home state of NJ, but each state has such organizations. Local United Way chapters and your parents’ county Office On Aging are other sources of guidance and assistance. Your employer may also have family services through your HR benefits program. As you go through the process, remember you are not alone. There are a lot of services available to you and your parents to help you, and there are many others going through the same thing. That’s where the support groups come in. Sharing experiences and knowing you are not alone will help you to take care of yourself so you can take care of your parents.
Aging & Disability Resource Connection (ADRC of NJ)
Caregivers of NJ
NJ Dept of Human Services Division of Aging Services - has links to both sites above and others
Family Caregiver Alliance National Center on Caregiving
Caring for your Parents (PBS Org)
Caregiver.com
NJ Assistance for Community Caregiving (JACC)
NJ Foundation For Aging
Comments