Life Changes – Parallels between Divorce and Retirement

Retiring from a long career is in many ways like going through a divorce. The parallel is particularly strong if you have been at the company you are retiring from for a long period of time. Having a long history with the company and your co-workers can form family-like bonds (think “work-husband/wife”) and friendships. Separating from those relationships and the work routine can be difficult and stressful.

We often define ourselves by our careers even more-so than our personal relationships. Think about how you answer the question “what do you do?”. How many of us reply that we are parents, activists, cyclists, or any other term pertaining to our personal life? Most of us answer based on our job. We’ve been conditioned to think that way and that mindset contributes to the similarities between retirement and divorce.

In both we have deep emotional ties that are severed in a relatively abrupt way, and the separation may or may not be voluntary. Forced retirement can be referred to as an involuntary divorce from work, much like one spouse telling the other it’s time to split. Planned retirement can equate with a mutual agreement that divorce is the best path. While our heads know it is right, our hearts ache for the loss of so much of ourselves. And don’t think others are not impacted by retirement. Spouses, friends, and even children can be impacted by the retired person as he/she adjusts to a new life.

There can be drastic changes to lifestyle in both cases. In divorce, someone is moving out, and if kids are in the mix, that person will likely want to stay close by, so options will be limited. In retirement, many people down-size their homes – and their tax bills – or look to relocate to more suitable climate areas. Moving itself is stressful, and adding the life change that drove the move can compound that stress.

Routines are also impacted. Again, in the case of retirement not just for the retiree. For the spouse used to being home alone during her/his partner’s workday, having the retiree around can be tough to get used to. For the retiree, no longer having to get up and go to work – and not having a job anymore – can lead to feelings of emptiness and even depression due to a perceived lack of purpose. Disruption from divorce is harder to adjust to due to the deep emotions stirred up on top of the daily routines turned upside down.

Sometimes the children have it the hardest if their parents are not able to keep them out of their emotional tug of war. It’s natural for kids to think the split is because of them, and they may now have to choose which parent to live with – and who to side with if the divorce is bitter. Parents need to be aware of the impact their words and actions have on their kids. A similarity in the workplace is management and coworkers understanding the impact their words and actions have on others. Many early retirements (divorce from work) are due to how the worker was treated in the work relationship, just as most divorces are triggered by how one partner treats the other.

In divorce as in retirement, who gets the friends? Not exactly the same, since in retirement it boils down to keeping in contact with your work friends to continue the relationship. Though, you may find that your work friends are not so accessible now that you’ve retired. Remember, you saw them at work every day and now they are working and you are not so getting together may take some effort. They have their personal lives already and you are trying to fit into that space. Don’t feel rejected, be understanding and work with them on schedules – yours is flexible now.

In divorce the splitting of friendships can be traumatic. Often the friends, particularly couples, are common to both spouses. How to divide the friends is even worse than planning the seating at your wedding but the decisions may be based on some of the same criteria. Losing key friendships because the couple went with the other spouse is hard on all involved and can mean the end of deeply emotional relationships. It’s natural to feel a bit lost when that happens and the holes can be difficult to fill.

All of this change and loss can lead to stress and fear. We all fear change, even good change, as we are creatures of habit – a reason many people stay in bad marriages or bad work situations. How we deal with all that change will determine the direction our new life will take. Dwelling on the negatives will lead to a dark place while focusing on the positives and new opportunities will help to successfully navigate the choppy waters. Sometimes we need a little help to get through, and that’s OK. Using a coach, counselor, or even a friend with an open ear, a strong shoulder, and some sage advice can keep us grounded and help us chart our new course.

Though seemingly unrelated, retirement and divorce are both emotional separation experiences that cause dramatic changes in our lives. Both can be difficult to go through and adjust to. But both offer new opportunities for growth and learning. No longer having to spend the bulk of your time working opens up all kinds of possibilities, and being freed from a bad marriage liberates you to find yourself again.

For a discussion on a connection between Retirement and Divorce, check out the podcast interview I did with Joe Dillon of Equitable Mediation. It’s in the section right above my blog posts.